But conservatives—who appear to be aggrieved that the guy who lost the popular vote twice only “won” one election, and that they can’t kill every spending bill with their 50 senators who represent 41 million fewer Americans than our 50 senators—can’t stop talking about “dominating” us.

The latest MAGA mite to sing this tune is North Carolina Rep. Madison Cawthorn, who doesn’t want civil war—oh no!—but thinks his side would totally kick ass if we ever had one. Here he is at this past weekend’s Turning Point USA conference:

CAWTHORN: “In our country, if we believe that we’re going to radically change our country and get back to our founding values and it’s not going to cost us anything, then we are fooling ourselves. My friends, I believe that we as patriotic Americans who are born for such a time as this, as Esther’s uncle told her at the time, to influence the secular government of our time. God put us here because he knew that we could handle it, and you can handle it while being able to lean on him. And I will tell you, we’re gonna face some dark times as a nation. I genuinely believe that. I think we have an opportunity in the next four to six years to prevent kinetic American forces, countryman on countryman, from ever meeting, and I think that is incumbent upon all of us. Although I have no doubt we would be victorious if that ever happened, but remember, that would be so immoral and wrong if we just said, ‘Hey, you know what? Let’s just kick off a civil war and then we’ll just go ahead and go to that point.’ No, my friends, we were called to be innocent as doves, yes, but we were also called to be shrewd as snakes, and we as conservatives, it’s time for us to get shrewd.

Yeah, that’s kind of scary, but it gets better—by which I mean way worse:

… In Genesis, it talks about taking dominion of the Earth. You read that original work, and it means, go out and take control of it. Dominate the Earth that you’re given. Fill it. And my friends, the only way we’re going to do that is if we stop playing this lackluster, milquetoast defensive game, where we’re all just saying, ‘Hey, I don’t want to offend anybody, I don’t want to talk about religion and politics.’ No, I’m gonna lean in, I’m gonna take some punches on the chin. I think all of us in this room are too. And we are going to stand up for the America that we all know and believe in, because when we do that, when we stop saying, ‘Oh, yeah, I believe in free trade.’ No, screw that, I believe in dominant American trade. When I ask OPEC for oil although we’ll drill it here, they’re gonna say, ‘Yes sir, we’ll give it all right away. Thank you so much for all that you’ve done.’ My friends, as Americans it’s time for us to stop being sheep, stand up and be lions. … The last thing I’m gonna say … is that the radical left should be terrified of who we are. The radical left should be terrified of what we’re gonna do. And if you want to introduce a globalist agenda in this country, well we are going to politically and psychologically and every form that we can confront you, we will defeat the globalists in this nation. My friends, it’s up to all of us.”

Really? He thinks they’ve been sheep up until now? Those were some pretty rabid fucking sheep who attacked the Capitol last January. Is he saying they need to get more violent? Though it’s nice of him to toss in that mealy sop about how starting a civil war would be “immoral.” Thanks for standing up for the republic, man. 

And while I don’t consider myself part of the “radical” left, I am pretty fucking terrified of who conservatives are these days and what they’re going to do. I can be civil and neighborly with anyone. Hey, I’ll even offer to hide your Nancy Reagan RealDoll in the event of rapture. But when you’re trying to upend our democracy with violent actions and threats, that’s where I draw the line.

Of course, Cawthorn isn’t alone. Donald Trump, Jr., managed to shed his Pig Pen-esque (alleged!) cocaine cloud long enough to appear at the same conference, where he told the audience to forget about all that feckless, foppish nonsense about turning the other cheek:

JUNIOR: “If we get together, they cannot cancel us all, okay? They won’t. And this will be contrary to a lot of our beliefs, because I’d love not to have to participate in cancel culture. I’d love that it didn’t exist. But as long as it does, folks, we’d better be playing the same game. We’ve been playing T-ball for half a century, while they’ve been playing hardball and cheating. Right? We’ve turned the other cheek, and I understand sort of the biblical reference. I understand the mentality, but it’s gotten us nothing.”

Okay, the next time Donald Trump, Jr., gives up on a Christian precept will be the first, because if he’s a Christian, I’m a Sith lord. I’d love to challenge him to Bible trivia. I bet I could trick him into believing that one of the thieves crucified next to Jesus was the Hamburglar.

That said, I have to wonder if this is a new strategy. They’ll claim that they’re all about peace, love, and harmony because they’re putatively “Christian,” whereas all along they’re just gearing up for an even dirtier fight. And it’s already gotten so damn dirty I fear for my democracy.

Cawthorn and Don Jr. are ridiculous characters, but they’re also very dangerous, and we ignore what they’re saying at our peril. They’ve got guns, and they apparently have violent fantasies about domination and control. And they want to be lions. Lions who eat horse medicine, but lions nevertheless. 

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.