Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 22, 2021

Note: Here’s the schedule for the rest of the affected time period:

This morning: No C&J unless it happens via immaculate conception.  [Update: It’s a miracle!!!]
Tomorrow: A Very Special Regular C&J
Friday evening: Join us for our annual A Very Special C&J Christmas Eve Bean Supper and Airing of the Conspiracy Theories Nudeblogging
Next Monday: A Very Special Day Off

Please: no open flames Friday night.  —Mgt.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til 2022: 10

Days ’til The Book of Boba Fett debuts on Disney+: 7

Percent of households making less than $35k who use their child tax credits to pay for food, shelter, clothing and other necessities, according to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities: 91%

Drop in crude oil prices Monday, which the oil companies will move slow as molasses to translate into lower gas prices: 4%

Height and weight of the statue honoring Civil rights activist and Bethune-Cookman University founder Mary McLeod Bethune that will replace a Confederate general in the National Statuary Hall Collection at the U.S. Capitol, representing the state of Florida: 11 feet / 6,000 pounds

Average time it takes to grow a Christmas tree, according to some web site: 7 years

Year the first 30 Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was put up: 1933

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 3 tribulation temples and 1 virgin birth of the true savior). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day:  Great—they totally forgot the little kegs of brandy…

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JEERS to Covid Wars Episode III: Attack of the Clones. We slogged through the original version of the coronavirus. Then we slogged through Delta. And now the variant setting us back to square one is Omicron. This Ho-Ho-Horrific mutation doesn’t care if you’ve been bad or good, it’s going to come down your chimney, eat the milk and cookies you set out for Santa, and then crawl up your nostrils for a long winter nap. So, since most of the country gets their news and opinion from Cheers and Jeers, let’s go through what we know step-by-step, starting with…

F*ck you, you deliberately-unvaccinated assholes—especially you unvaccinated Mainers—for crushing our hospitals under the weight of your paranoia, putting the general public at risk, and prolonging this f*cking pandemic for your sick pleasure, and yeah I’m looking mostly at you, RFK, Jr., Fox News, red-hatted cultists, and all you “Jesus is My Vaccine” f*ckwads. May Satan peel your skin layer by layer when you reach your final destination.

Please note my restraint in not using a single exclamation point. (Message: I care.) As for more substantive information, let me adjust my mortarboard and we can continue with our Top 7 Things You Should Know about Omicron:

1. Omicron now accounts for 3/4 of all new covid infections.

2.  The federal government next month will start mailing at-home Covid test kits for free to anyone who wants one. (Since Louis DeJoy is still in charge of the postal service, please allow 3-5 decades for delivery.)

3. I called my doctor’s office and got scheduled for a must-get booster shot. You can schedule yours along those lines or go to vaccines.gov and schedule one.

4. The NHL is canceling games, much to the chagrin of the tooth-replacement industry. NBA games and Broadway shows are also being canceled. But President Biden says you can still do the holidays if you’re vaccinated.

5. I can’t print #5 because it will SHOCK you.

6. President Biden is sending in more troops to help out at hospitals, presumably by shooting omicron particles with bazooka shells. (That’s what I’d do, anyway. I’m a viceroy.)

7. Doc Fauci weighed in yesterday, saying: “It’s going to be a matter of a couple of weeks that we then start to see just as dramatic a decline,” he said. “That’s what we’re hoping for.”

But what we absolutely know for sure is that by the time you read this, everything might have already changed. So, for now, get boosted and then seal up your chimney. Because, now that I think of it, I have no idea if RFK, Jr. got to Santa or not.

CHEERS to famous first lines.  245 years ago this week, in 1776, Thomas Paine wrote: “These are the times that try men’s souls.”  Well, thank you, Captain Understatement.

CHEERS to building back better. It has come to our attention that during negotiations on a bill to make life in America a little better and life on our planet a little cleaner, we…well, we hurt Joe Manchin’s feelings. Doctors say his ego has been in traction the last 72 hours, and his fee-fees have been hooked up to an IV drip of happy juice, all because liberals are mad at him for breaking his promises and instead delivering nothing but lumps of coal to the poor and middle class. So, because we’ve all been so mean to the poor millionaire business tycoon senator, here’s something that we hope will raise his spirits:

Thoughts and prayers, Joe.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to bringing back the flake frosters. The Scrooges at Kellogg’s finally stuck a spoon into their big bowl of profits and made some concessions to striking employees that are now part of this nutritious labor deal:

Kellogg said Tuesday that the new contract provides immediate, across the board wage increases and enhanced benefits for all. It also provides an accelerated, defined path to top-tier wages, a major sticking point for workers, and benefits for transitional employees.

The workers have been on strike since Oct. 5. The Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers and Grain Millers International Union said the contract is a win for workers.

“This agreement makes gains and does not include any concessions,” union President Anthony Shelton said in a prepared statement.

Now that’s what I call “Two Scoops of Holiday Cheer!” (Memo to late-night hosts: Permission granted to use that. With attribution, of course.)

JEERS to ye jolly old fireball.  We pulled this nugget off the Internets so it must be true:

“To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.  At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.”

And yet…Santa does make his 822 visits per second, and does travel at 3,000 times the speed of sound, and he does deliver his gifts in one night, and he has not self-combusted.  In fact, every year he gets tracked by NORAD.  So someone owes Santa—and the world—an apology.  How do I lodge a complaint with the internet?

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Ten years ago in C&J: December 22, 2011

CHEERS to the Obama administration’s new mercury and acid emissions rules. Yes, indeed. While the Republicans tried to figure out how to escape the corner they’d painted themselves into over the payroll tax-cut extension, President Obama was making big boy grownup decisions on the environment that sound like the proverbial Big Fuckin’ Deal:

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has finalized the first-ever national standards to reduce mercury and other toxic air emissions—like arsenic, acid gas, and cyanide—from power plants, which are the largest sources of this pollution in the United States. […]

When fully implemented, these new standards will, on an annual basis, help prevent: Up to 11,000 premature deaths; 2,800 cases of chronic bronchitis; 130,000 asthma attacks; 540,000 days when people miss work or school.

Yay. I’m so looking forward to eating one-headed fish again.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to fine literature. A C&J short story for the holidays. I call this Rudolph the Red Nosed Asskicker:

Chapter One

Rudolph was a reindeer. He had a very shiny nose. All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

So he called in a favor with the state liquor commission and got Dasher’s license to sell booze at the Velvet Antler sports bar revoked.

…and got the Consumer Financial protection Bureau to levy a $7.5 million fine against Dancer’s payday loan operation.

…and busted Prancer for running a meth lab and a reindeer prostitution ring.

…and shut down Vixen Industries for multiple OSHA violations.

…and redirected subsidies for Comet’s coal mining operation to the solar and wind sector.

…and nailed Cupid for tax evasion.

…and sent Donder to prison for insider trading.

…and trounced Republican incumbent Blitzen in the midterm election.

All of the other reindeer aren’t laughing anymore. Calling him names, yes. But laughing? Not so much.

The End

Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Cheers and Jeers is the shot of fun you need at this point in the long-running Daily Kos franchise. It’s not essential reading but it’s an amiable diversion. And do stick around for the Shameless C&J Testimonial.

—Anupama Chopra

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