Ted Cruz still appears to think he’ll be president one day




HOLLYHAND: “What are your thoughts on the field of potential candidates going into 2024, and would you ever consider another run for president?”

CRUZ: “Absolutely. In a heartbeat. You know, I ran in 2016. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. We had a very crowded field. We had 17 candidates in the race—a very strong field—and I ended up placing second. And, you know, there’s a reason historically that the runner-up is almost always the next nominee, and that’s been true going back to Nixon or Reagan or McCain or Romney—that has played out repeatedly. You come in with just an enormous base of support.”

Sure, Ted. Of course, the difference between you and Nixon, Reagan, McCain, et al., is that they hadn’t spent the previous eight years perfecting their impression of Trump’s second-least-favorite butt plug.

Cruz will run for president if the guy who called his wife ugly and suggested his father helped assassinate JFK says it’s okay. Otherwise, forget about it. It’ll also be interesting to see if anyone challenges Cruz’s eligibility, since you have to be a natural-born citizen to run, and Ted’s larval husk originally busted open in Canada. Of course, Ted’s proved his loyalty to our country time and time again, most recently by fleeing to Mexico when his constituents were freezing to death as a result of the holy free-market principles Ted is so proud of. 

And now he wants to bring his electric personality and failed Texas electric grid to the whole country. Well, I say let’s not fall for it.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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