Police officers met Flight AAL38 at Miami International Airport when it returned, and escorted a woman in her 40s off the plane, said Lea Gonzalez, a public information officer for the Miami-Dade Police Department. She was not arrested, Ms. Gonzalez said.

The Boeing 777, carrying 129 passengers and 14 crew members, was about 500 miles into its 4,400-mile flight when it reversed course off the coast of North Carolina, flight trackers show.

American Airlines said in a statement that the flight had been diverted because of “a disruptive customer refusing to comply with the federal mask requirement.”

She wasn’t arrested? Why the hell not?!

Of course, this was not an isolated incident—though it’s the first time I can recall a flight turning around to 86 the offending arschloch. According to the FAA, the agency received 5,981 reports about unruly passengers in 2021, and 4,290 of these incidents were mask-related.

That said, how pissed would you have been if you’d been on this flight? They should have given her a parachute, a complimentary wet wipe, and a jumbo tub of Red Vines and aimed her pestiferous carcass for Snake Island. Or maybe told her there was a Biden voter in the bathroom who’s never seen Plandemic. And then, you know, lock her ass in. I’m sure her fellow passengers would have been more than happy to cross their legs for eight hours if it meant quashing this cockwomble. 

I wish I had better advice, but I have anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers in my own family, and I can’t even get through to them. Probably because I never visit—because at this point it would be safer to spend my summers in Chernobyl foraging for expired RC Cola and Kazakhstani urinal cakes than fly back to Wisconsin and hug my sister.

But I’m not bitter or anything! Just fed up with these ambulatory ass warts who won’t let the rest of us get on with our lives.

I’m sorry. That was a bit harsh. My sincere apologies to ass warts. At least they keep themselves covered up. Most of the time, anyway.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.