Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 11, 2022
Note: Hey, I have a great idea. Maybe we can just water the tree of liberty with, like, y’know…just water?
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the 2022 Covid Olympic Games: 24
Number of deaths from Covid-19 in New Zealand: 51
Age of the Golden Gate Bridge this year: 85
Year that Cmdr. Billie Farrell, who will become the first female commander of the 224-year-old warship U.S.S. Constitution (aka Old Ironsides) on Jan. 21, graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy : 2004
Portion of the Constitution’s crew now made up of women: 1/3
Percent chance that multi-millionaire, palace-owning, want-for-nothing tennis player Novak Djokovic is a spoiled little angry baby for whom life is just so unfair: 100%
Expected wind chill factor in Portland, Maine today: -37 F
Puppy Pic of the Day: The otolaryngologist is in…
JEERS to same shit, different year. 2022 is the year—any day now, in fact—that robust and substantive voting rights legislation gets passed. It’s gonna be so great when Democrats pass Joe Manchin’s Freedom to Vote Act and save our democratic republic from the red-hatted Republican cult that is already drawing up plans for concentration camps and a blitzkrieg into Canada. (But not Mexico, because not even our military can get over, under, or around Trump’s glorious 2,000-mile wall that the ghost of Santa Anna paid for.) Let’s see how that’s going:
All the other Senate Democrats: Let’s carve out an exception to the filibuster rule now and pass your amazing bill, Joe!
Manchin: Yes! Let’s do it! I just need buy-in from the Republicans first.
All the other Senate Democrats: But they’ll never come on board. Voter suppression and election nullification are their oxygen.
Manchin: Oh. Okay, then, let’s pass this thing now, even without the Republicans!
All the other Senate Democrats: Yay! Hooray! The republic is saved!
Manchin: I just need buy-in from the Republicans first.
All the other Senate Democrats: Aaaaaaaaaghhhh!!!!!
To be continued. Aaaagh.
JEERS to our hunka hunka burnin’ planet. How hot was 2021? Hotter than the steam coming out of Trump’s ears as he watched the certification of the 2020 election. Hotter than the seat a Wall Street bankster sits on at a committee hearing as Rep. Katie Porter says, “My first question to you is…” Hotter than the solemn, lava-like procession of hair dye oozing down Rudy’s face. Yeah…that hot:
For 2021, the average contiguous U.S. temperature was 54.5 degrees F, 2.5 degrees above the 20th-century average and ranked as the fourth-warmest year in the 127-year period of record. The six warmest years on record have all occurred since 2012.
Maine and New Hampshire had their second-warmest year on record with 19 additional states across the Northeast, Great Lakes, Plains and West experiencing a top-five warmest year. Meanwhile, Alaska’s average annual temperature was 26.4 degrees F, 0.4 of a degree above the long-term average and the coldest year since 2012.
But all hope is not lost. When the Glasgow climate talks ended last fall, the organizing committee, in a supreme act of courage and foresight, suggested to the organizing panel that the organizing subcommittee to the organizing commission inform the organizing task force that they’re throwing the whole thing in Greta Thunberg’s lap. And no ice cream until you fix it, young lady.
CHEERS to the not-so-artful dodger. Happy 265th birthday to Alexander Hamilton. He was one of our country’s youngest Founding Fathers, but he wasn’t very good at avoiding controversy (adultery, skullduggery in the 1800 election) or ye olde musket ball. And here’s something for the pootie diaries:
People today still name their tomcats after Alexander Hamilton in deference to his infamous many extramarital affairs. Martha Washington was the first as she named her large carousing tomcat ‘Hamilton.’
Pay your respects here. Or just pull out a ten-spot and pat his head.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to Americans getting something right. Child care? Too complicate, can’t do it. Fighting climate change? Too complicated, can’t do it. Raising taxes on the rich? Too complicated, can’t do it. Free community college? Too complicated, can’t do it. Lock up the top instigators of the January 6 insurrection? Too complicated, can’t do it. Equal rights for minorities? Too complicated, can’t do it. Beat covid? Too complicated, can’t do it. But build and deploy a space telescope that requires the brightest minds, soundest science, and most complex series of technical maneuvers ever attempted in the history if humankind, eventually leading to a full understanding of the universe and its origins? Piece ‘o cake…
Tell you the moral of this story? Too complicated, can’t do it.
CHEERS to clearing the air….and the lungs. 58 years ago today, in 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report saying smoking may be hazardous to your health. (This came as quite a shock to some of tobacco’s most fervent supporters, like doctors and Ronald Reagan.) The report had quite the impact:
The landmark Surgeon General’s report on smoking and health stimulated a greatly increased concern about tobacco on the part of the American public and government policymakers and led to a broad-based anti-smoking campaign. …
The report was also responsible for the passage of the Cigarette Labeling and Advertising Act of 1965, which, among other things, mandated the familiar Surgeon General’s health warnings on cigarette packages.
If you’re in the process of quitting or thinking of quitting, go for it. Your lungs and your bank account will thank you.
Ten years ago in C&J: January 11, 2012
JEERS to selective outrage. Conservatives seem to have trouble with the concept of perspective. After President Obama announced his defense restructuring plan, one thing I heard from the other side was a derisive, “But it only saves $45 billion a year—that’s a drop in the bucket considering the size of our debt.” Uh huh. These are the same people running around screaming that “NPR must to be slashed immediately by $5 million because, for Pete’s sake, we’re in a debt crisis.” As if the Ryan budget wasn’t proof enough Republicans don’t know how to count.
And just one more…
JEERS to close calls. My partner drove to our friendly neighborhood grocery store to stock us up on the essentials necessary for survival in the Age of Covid: ice cream, liquor, Kellogg’s Honey Bunches of Trans Fats, and large holster-less meat cleavers. Just as he’s about to walk out of the store, he watches as a car perilously close to ours goes Whoooosh! and catches fire with lightning speed moments after the driver opens the door and runs from it. Needless to say, it was a Kodak Moment:
The fire department arrived within minutes and doused the flames. No one was injured. The “official” story is that the driver was charging the wrong electronic device in his car with the wrong wattage, wrong voltage, wrong wires, wrong adaptor, and wrong brain. But I suspect the blue jays were out to get me because of my alliance with the squirrel family, a plot that failed when they wired the wrong car at the wrong time on the wrong day at the wrong place. Keeping my powder dry for the moment, I will say only this: when I attend my godson’s baptism, them boids ain’t gonna see what they got comin’ comin’. (It’s nothing personal, you understand. Just business.)
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“An icon, legend, visionary, and true pioneer. Thank you Bill in Portland Maine for breaking down barriers, creating the kiddie pool, and making it possible for there to be a Will Smith! Rest In Power.“
”Thank you. But I’m still alive.”
—Bill in Portland Maine