Wednesday  In an astonishing development that shocks the nation, Republicans lose a court case and then decide not to appeal it all the way to the Supreme Court.

Today is National Bird Day. Please: flip it responsibly.

Thursday  Americans mark their new official January 6 federal holiday: Republican Psychopathic Traitor Awareness Day. 

Friday  The unemployment numbers for December are released. Since a Democrat is in the White House, if the numbers are bad they’ll be front-page news in the papers and the top story on the evening newscasts, and if they’re good they’ll be buried in all the papers and mumbled about for five seconds during a commercial break on the evening newscasts.

For yet another week, the climate will continue to make good on its promise of delivering change. The maniacal laughter that accompanies it will be troubling.

Plus lots of the usual blah blah blah ’cause we never run out of that.

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 3, 2022

Note: [Baby New Year 2022 uses special pulley-and-chain harness to load 1,800-pound shell into howitzer. Aims at Planet Earth.]  Well, he caught on fast.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til Martin Luther King Jr. Day: 14

Days ’til the $15 minimum wage for federal contract workers goes into effect: 28

GDP growth during The Thing From Mar-A-Lago’s final year in office: -3.5%

GDP growth during Joe Biden’s first year in office: +5.5%

First-time unemployment claims last week, the lowest since October 1969: 198,000

Estimated strength of the winds that fueled the freak Colorado wildfires last week that destroyed a thousand homes: 100mph

Percent chance that “Oh no, my precious money source is drying up,” not “Oh no, Americans aren’t getting the spiritual guidance they need,” is the first thing that goes through a conservative religious leader’s head when they read the latest report that Americans are leaving religion in droves: 100%

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Skritches for Commander…

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CHEERS to January!! Anyone who enjoys winter sports is in heaven this month!! And hot clam chowder (or your favorite soup, since it’s Soup Month) on a frigid, snowy day is unbeatable!! But watch out, because that dastardly Covid-19—variants and all—is still lurking in the bushes, and the unvaccinated morons are still all-too-happy to spread it around!!

Politically, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer maintain their grip on both legislative chambers for the year, doing their level best to help enact the agenda of Joe Biden (led by BBB and the Freedom to Vote Act), whose presidency turns one on the 20th!! Meanwhile, the House January 6 select committee continues gathering evidence and issuing subpoenas as the first anniversary of the Republican coup attempt turns one on Thursday!!

Plus: minimum wage hikes kick in all over the damn place!! It’s Clean Your Computer Month!! Be Kind to Food Servers Month!! FDR’s birthday!! Australia Day!! National Pie Day!! California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month!! Friday is Static Electricity Day, aka The Day the Cat Disappears Into the Closet and Doesn’t Come Out Until the Day After Static Electricity Day!

We get a “Full Wolf Moon” on the 17^th, the same day as MLK Jr. Day!! Here’s an interesting bit of trivia: Tomorrow is National Trivia Day!! And best of all, this month exclamation points are buy-one-get-one-free!! Whee!! What fun!!

JEERS to January. It’s dark all the time and I can’t feel my toes. Anyone know how to safely induce a coma ‘til spring? (Oh, right…silly me. Just turn on the Hallmark Channel.)

CHEERS to famous firsts. Who cares about Baby New Year replacing Father Time on Saturday morning? Pfft. The real transfer of power happened in New York, where Manhattan District Attorney Cy Vance, Jr. turned over his case files to successor Alvin Bragg, 48, and there’s one in particular that is hotter than the potatoes I kept in my coat pockets back in the day when I walked uphill each way to and from school in six feet of snow, namely…

…whether to make Donald Trump the first former president ever charged with a crime. […] Bragg told CNN last month that he’ll be directly involved in the Trump matter. He also said he has asked the two veteran prosecutors who led the case under Vance—general counsel Carey Dunne and former mafia prosecutor Mark Pomerantz—to stay on and see it through.

“This is obviously a consequential case, one that merits the attention of the D.A. personally,” Bragg told CNN.

The investigation resulted in charges last summer against Trump’s company, the Trump Organization, and its longtime finance chief, Allen Weisselberg. In the fall, Vance convened a new grand jury to hear evidence in the case.

On top of that,  Bragg also becomes Manhattan’s first Black district attorney. No pressure, man.

CHEERS to routing the redcoats. 245 years ago this week, in 1777 during our War of Independence, George Washington’s army drove back a British attack at the Battle of Assunpink Creek and Municipal Airport near Trenton, New Jersey. This was the follow-up to Washington‘s famous crossing of the Delaware, where he defeated the Hessians by using the aroma of fresh pan-fried wienerschnitzel to lure them into a giant pit:

General William Howe, the British Commander-in-Chief of North America was furious with the defeat at Trenton. He canceled Lieutenant General Charles Cornwallis’ scheduled leave to Britain for the winter and ordered him to Princeton immediately. […]

Washington’s men held back three assaults from the British, felling hundreds of British soldiers in the process, causing Cornwallis to hold a council to decide what to do. …

Washington took advantage of the break. … When Cornwallis arose in the morning, to his horror, Washington’s entire army was gone.

You might say Cornwallis got his…Assunpink handed to him. Ha Ha Ha!!!  (Aren’t you glad C&J is around for a whole ‘nother year of this? Me, too.)

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to the Last Frontier. On January 3rd, 1959, President Dwight Eisenhower signed a proclamation making Alaska (or, as we say in Maine: “Alasker”)—all 656,425 square miles of it—our 49th state. The word is Aleutian for “Great Land.”  The state flower is the forget-me-not, the state fish is the king salmon, and the state mammal is the bowhead whale.  Here’s Ike unveiling the 49-star flag, which was used for only eight months before Hawaii added #50. I have to think that if you own one o’ these babies, you’re sittin’ on an Antiques Roadshow goldmine:

Meanwhile the Alaska state flag has eight stars. One for each Palin family brawl involving the cops.

CHEERS to the original landlord of Middle Earth.  Happy Birthday to J.R.R.Tolkien. The genius behind the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit turns 130 years old today. Or, to put it another way, that’s just one year longer than the total running time of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies. Minus the bathroom breaks.

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 3, 2012

CHEERS to the best news of the day: “The Iowa caucus is over.” Congratulations to President Obama, who initially appeared headed for defeat by President Obama 0%-100% before they realized they got the numbers switched, resulting in a miracle come-from-behind finish by President Obama over President Obama 100%-0%. The two will merge to become one Mighty Barackin Power Ranger and scare the evil Republican candidate away in November. Sorry—shoulda said “Spoiler alert.”

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And just one more…

JEERS to the Long, Cold, Dark Road Ahead. Our annual reminder that the next warm-weather holiday when most Americans actually get a long weekend off is Memorial Day—147 days away. But there’s one place where the weekend never ends: outer space. So put on your beer goggles and your chill-out face as Preston Dyches at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory reveals the January night-sky party forecast, including Jupiter and Mars vying for the moon’s affection…

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Bonus good news: Three days into the new year and our planet’s still here.  (Our sanity? Still an open question.)

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Bill in Portland Maine’s Cheers and Jeers Has Masculinity Issues Even When He’s Not There

—Wonkette

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