You are now below the fold, where the Red Sox have never lost a game. Ever.

“For anyone who doesn’t want to take the vaccine, the governor of Texas is definitely on their side. It’s funny how governors like [Greg] Abbott always say the government should never tell private businesses how to do things, and then they do just that when it’s in their political interest. It’s like that one friend we have who says ‘I think we should try and be vegetarian—unless it’s popcorn chicken.'”
—Trevor Noah

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“I want to wish you a happy Indigenous People’s Day or Columbus Day, depending on which cable news channel you watch. A number of our esteemed leaders weighed in on it today including Congressmonster Marjorie Taylor-Greene, who tweeted and then deleted this misspelled message: Happy Colombus Day. I can only imagine what would happen if she tried to spell ‘indigenous.'”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“In a new statement, former president Trump said: ‘If we don’t solve the presidential election fraud of 2020, Republicans will not be voting in ’22 or ’24.’  Wow—he’s been out of office so long that he’s forgotten how threats work.”
—Seth Meyers

Good news out of Washington—I don’t have to Google “what is the debt ceiling?” again for 5 weeks.
—Conan O’Brien via Twitter

And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 15, 2021

Note: Pick a card. No, not that card, this card. Pick this card right here. This card is now your card, okay? I will now take the card back from you. And now I will hold it up and ask: Is this your card? It is?????  Yes—nailed it.

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til National Nut Day: 7

Days ’til the Gilfeather Turnip Festival in Wardsboro, Vermont: 8

President Biden approval rating in both the latest CBS News and CNN polls: 50%

Percent drop in Covid-19 hospitalizations in the U.S. from their peak in early September: 41%

Prison sentence (along with 60 days of community service) for Indiana hairdresser Dona Sue Bissey, one of the Capitol insurrectionists who called January 6 “one of the best f*cking days ever”: 14 days

Likely sentence if Dona Sue Bissey was Black or Hispanic: 100 years

Age of Paul Simon as of Wednesday: 80

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

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CHEERS to four more years. That’s all the longer we’ll have to wait before seven brand-spankin’ new wind farms get the okeyley-dokeley, assuming all goes according to plan, which it always does:

Interior Secretary Deb Haaland said Wednesday the government would begin work to identify seven major zones where it could lease federal waters to offshore wind development.

Auctions could take place by 2025, a major step toward President Joe Biden’s pledges to build 30,000 megawatts of offshore wind energy by 2030, an amount that would power up to 10 million homes. […]

The proposed areas include almost the entire East Coast from Maine down to the Carolinas, the Gulf of Mexico, and coastline along Oregon and California. The plan is an aggressive move that would aid the White House’s goals to slash the nation’s fossil fuel emissions by the end of the decade and meet targets scientists have long stressed are needed to avert the worst effects of climate change.

Yeah, but what about jobs, jobs, jo…

The Bureau of Ocean Energy Management, a branch of the DOI, said the new projects could create nearly 80,000 jobs. The Associated Press notes Haaland is also working to increase renewable energy production on land, including greater investment in wind and solar power by 2025.

Even more good news: The CDC says that by the time the projects are completed, they should have a windmill noise cancer vaccine ready and waiting.

CHEERS to taking out the trash. A justice milestone was reached this week when Jenny Cudd—the florist from Texas with lily dust on her fingers and treason in her heart who bragged about storming Nancy Pelosi’s office—became the 100^th Trump cultist to plead guilty for her role in the January 6^th insurrection. What does she win, ghost of Don Pardo?

Per the terms of the deal, Cudd is likely to face zero to six months in jail.

The government reserves the right to seek a higher sentence—known as an “upward departure”—on a terrorism enhancement at the time of sentencing, but the defense said they will oppose any such argument. Cudd’s attorney reportedly argued such sentencing enhancements are not available for the equivalent of a misdemeanor charge.

I hope she’s learned her lesson that conservative white people who commit treason in this country will be dealt with harshly. If she tries it again, the justice system may be forced to pull out the feather duster.

CHEERS to girls with grenades. Twenty-three years ago tomorrow, the dedication of the Women In Military Service Memorial began with a candlelight march starting at the Lincoln Memorial and moving across the Memorial Bridge to Arlington National Cemetery. It was well-received when it officially opened a few days later…

The vast majority of critics highly lauded the Women in Military Service for America Memorial.

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution said it “breaks new conceptual ground in paying tribute to U.S. military personnel, much like the Vietnam Veterans Memorial did in 1982.” Gail Russell Chaddock, writing for the Christian Science Monitor, said it was nothing like any other memorial or monument in the city, and singled out the computerized database of women veterans as its greatest strength.

Benjamin Forgey of The Washington Post called it a “resounding success” that “enhances an already splendid setting in a number of ways”. Its greatest strength, he said, was the way in which it was “insistently respectful” of the [existing 1932] Hemicycle and Arlington National Cemetery. He also singled out the “serious,” “uncomplicated and unostentatious” interiors. His lengthy review concluded that the memorial was “a brilliant, sensitive design” and “a memorable public place.”

The memorial is dedicated to women who serve in the Armed Forces in times of war. But also in times of peace. Thanks to President Biden, we get to have those again.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to Today’s edition of Oh…Good!  Courtesy this evening of the 45^th president of the United States:

“Republicans will not be voting in 2022 or 2024. It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do.”

This has been today’s edition of Oh…Good!

JEERS to America‘s #1 pubic-hair-on-Coke-cans expert.  Thirty years ago today, in 1991, Clarence Thomas was confirmed by the Senate 52 to 48, making him the Supreme Court’s first justice with a neatly-cataloged porn collection (#1 on his list: The Adventures of Bad Mama Jama). Today he sits on his fat ass all day, an aging, bitter, bloated pervert who hollers at the world the way Grampa Simpson hollers at clouds. Oh my god—I think that makes him my soulmate.

CHEERS to home vegetation. Super great news! Yesterday we went down to Woolworth and tested all our TV tubes in the tube testing machine (by the lunch counter, next to the blood pressure cuff machine), and they’re all in great shape for weekend TV viewing. Hot damn!

It starts the usual way, with Chris, Rachel, and Lawrence sifting through the Friday news dump on MSNBC. At 11 on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America), guests include Billy Porter and Andie McDowell. The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The latest Halloween flick with promising young newcomer Jamie Lee Curtis opens today.)

SPORTS WHOOOOOO!!!  The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and the baseball playoff schedule is here. Game 3 of the WNBA finals is tonight at 9 on ESPN2, with the Skies and the Mercuries tied at one games apieces. Game 4 is Sunday at 3 on ESPN. 

Rami Malek (Oscar winner for Bohemian Rhapsody and the latest creepy Bond villain) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates does some gratuitous Biden bashing, and something about a cattle drive, which is weird because last week they also did something about cattle and ranchers or some such dang fool thing and it makes me wonder if CBS News isn’t in the pocket of Big Cowboy. Moe has a fateful decision to make on The Simpsons, and Peter recreates movie scenes from his favorite decade on Family Guy. After that you’re on your own because John Oliver is putting Last Week Tonight on ice this week.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

This Week: Doc Fauci; Chief Economist and Managing Director of Grant Thornton LLP Diane Swonk and ABC News business correspondent Deirdre Bolton on the supply chain issue.

Meet the Press: TBA

Face the Nation: Blissfully preempted by NFL football live from London—Jaguars vs. Dolphins. (I hear that instead of a pigskin they use a haggis.)

CNN’s State of the Union: Secretary of Transportation and new dad Pete Buttigieg; Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) of the Jan. 6 Committee; Jon Stewart.

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Doc Fauci; Pat Robertson.

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: October 15, 2011

CHEERS to speedy solutions to pesky problems. The Black Death’s—aka The Plague’s—genetic code, which eluded the greatest scientific minds for 600 years, has finally been discovered. Turns out it was 123456789. D’oh!

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And just one more…

CHEERS to good advice.  Possibly the cutest story in American politics. 161 years ago today, in 1860, an eleven year-old girl named Grace Bedell put quill to parchment and suggested to candidate Abraham Lincoln that he might win the election more easily if he dropped the innocent boy-next-door look and whiskered up:

I have yet got four brothers and part of them will vote for you any way and if you let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin.

All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husbands to vote for you and then you would be President. My father is going to vote for you and if I was a man I would vote for you to but I will try to get every one to vote for you that I can.

As they say, the rest is history.  By the way, during his presidency—you can look it up—Lincoln went through exactly four score and seven beard combs. Eerie.

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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