Late Night Snark:
“Steve Bannon is one of the top witnesses House investigators want to talk to about who planned the January 6 insurrection. They subpoenaed him, but he refused to cooperate. So last night the committee brought the gavel down and voted unanimously to recommend charging Bannon with criminal contempt of Congress. Criminal contempt makes a lot of sense to me because I have a lot of contempt for that criminal.”
“The Biden administration’s climate plan is likely to be dropped from the budget bill after Senator Joe Manchin refused to support it. Manchin, who’s from West Virginia, said he would only agree to Biden’s bill if it cuts clean energy and officially makes coal one of the five food groups.”
—Colin Jost, SNL
You are now below the fold. Caution: goblin crossing
“Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema is on a fundraising trip to Europe. She’s boppin’ around Europe now? Arizona, did you elect her or divorce her?”
“A California ranch once owned by Ronald Reagan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down.”
—Michael Che, SNL
I forgot a gift for my wife’s birthday, but easily slinked out of it by blaming the supply chain.
—Conan O’Brien via Twitter
“We’re clumsy, farting mammals that are building skyscrapers.”
—Nick Offerman on The Daily Show
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 22, 2021
Note: Today is National Nut Day. So help yourself to the bowl of pistachios, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and Taylor-Greenes.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til Daylight Saving Time ends: 16
Days ’til the Palm Desert Golf Cart Parade in California: 9
Percent of Republican senators who voted against free and fair elections Wednesday: 100%
Expected percent increase in Halloween-related spending this year, in part to make up for last year: 36%
Percent of Americans polled by Deloitte LLC who say they plan to spend nothing on holiday gifts this year, up from 4.9% last year: 11.5%
Rank of Leos (70%), Aquariuses (67%) and Arieses (59%) in Salt Lake County with the highest vaccination rate in Salt Lake County, according to a study by the county health department: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Capricorns (51%), Virgos (50%), and Scorpios (46%) on the list: #10, #11, #12
Puppy Pic of the Day: I think I know why this plumber’s rates are so cheap…
CHEERS to nationwide revulsion. The might of the federal government, representing a record 329.5 million humanoid units, came crashing down on one of America’s top traitors yesterday when the House of Freaking Representatives—Democrats and Republicans—voted to hold Steve Bannon in criminal contempt. His crimey business: refusing to explain to Congress under oath why he’s totally innocent of charges that he helped foment and carry out Treasonpalooza at the Capitol on January 6th. And what happens next will…put you in such a deep sleep that to be revived we’ll have to shock you!
The matter now goes to the Justice Department.
Attorney General Merrick Garland, appearing before the House Judiciary Committee earlier Thursday, said the Justice Department will “do what it always does in such circumstances—it will apply the facts and the law and make a decision consistent with the principles of prosecution.”
In response, President Trump, citing both executive privilege and “I’m still the president,” ordered President Biden to pardon Bannon immediately. Joe said he’d get right on it just as soon as he gets a $3.5 trillion bill passed.
JEERS to crustaceandimonium!!! Shit. Shit. Shit. Sorry for all the swearing on this family web site, but I think I’m going to prison for the rest of my life, but not before being pelted with rotten tomatoes by citizens of the world while cowering in a cage in the public square, because…
Zha Liyou, the Chinese consul general in Kolkata, India, tweeted an unfounded claim that Covid-19 could have been imported to China from the United States through a batch of Maine lobsters shipped to a seafood market in Wuhan in November 2019.
It marks the latest in a series of theories that have been pushed by pro-China accounts since the start of the pandemic. Some articles pointing the finger at Maine lobsters link to a World Health Organization report published in March that said SARS-CoV-2 can survive in frozen and refrigerated products and packaging for a long time, which provides a “scientific basis for the possibility” that such imports could transmit the virus.
Yes yes yes. It was me. I injected Covid-19 into Maine lobsters via my secret basement lab and had them shipped to China. But I didn’t think it would hurt nobody—I just wanted to be noticed. I wanted to be somebody. A contender. A player on the world stage. I wanted to jet off to Davos with Tom Friedman and hobnob with the ski bears and bunnies, or even do the space thing with Jeff Bezos. I was gonna be feted on The View…but now all I’ll be is ripped apart on a three-hour “exclusive and shocking in-depth 20/20 investigation so heinous it brought Barbara Walters out of retirement.” But no matter what happens, I think we need to focus on the most important lesson here: there’s really no need for gratuitous swearing on this site. I understand that now.
JEERS to another hold-your-breath-moment in American history. Okay, now this was a real crisis: on October 22, 1962 President Kennedy informed the world that the Soviet Union was building secret missile bases in Cuba:
He ordered our military to quarantine Cuba until Soviet premier Khrushchev agreed to shut ’em down. Kennedy negotiated his way through the melee without establishing a color-coded terror alert system, telling us to go shopping, abandoning our allies, or invading a country that had nothing to do with the crisis at hand. And to think he called himself a leader.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to World Peace…or something like it. Sunday is United Nations Day. On October 24, 1945, the U.N. charter took effect. Their mission:
» To save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind.
» To reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small.
» To establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained.
» To promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom.
Which, when translated for the Republican Party, means: “To enact Agenda 21 when America least expects it and turn all our golf courses into gay Muslim indoctrination camps that replace our precious bodily fluids with zombie juice.” And they say liberals are the stoners?
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here’s a brief rundown of some of the boob-tubage on this weekend. Tonight we’ll check in with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell as usual, peeking occasionally at the Sox-Astros playoff game (Fox Sports). On HBO’s Real Time at 10, Bill Maher talks with Saru Jayaraman of UC Berkeley’s Food Labor Research Center, minimum-income advocate and perennial political candidate Andrew Yang, and some New York Times opinion giver. And at 11 on BBC America, Graham Norton’s guests include Timothee Chalamet, Billy Connolly, and Jodie Whittaker.
The most popular movies and home videos, including the latest attempt to make sense out of Frank Herbert’s Dune, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. Jason Sudeikis hosts SNL, which I believe the United States Constitution requires you to watch. (It’s Ted Lasso, people.)
Sunday on 60 Minutes: the former Saudi intelligence official who says the crown prince tried to kill him, and a profile of Michael Keaton. Then Bart gets in shape on The Simpsons and Peter and Quagmire accidentally switch underwear on Family Guy. (Spoiler alert: hilarity ensues.) And, yes, there’s a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver to wrap up the week with pinky extended.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Face the Nation: Chair of the Jan. 6 Select Committee Rep. Bennie Thompson (D-MS); Chief Economist of the International Monetary Fund Gita Gopinath; Former U.S. Special Representative for Afghanistan Reconciliation Zalmay Khalilzad; Former FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb.
CNN’s State of the Union: Speaker Nancy Pelosi; Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, hopefully reporting that the Harriet Tubman $20 bill note is ready for circulation; Gov. Asa Hutchinson (Trump-AR).
This Week: Doc Fauci.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Nobody. Just Chris Wallace sitting on a stool for an hour with a balloon in one hand and The Selected Works of Willa Cather in the other, as a Roomba with broken GPS quietly bumps into his shoes, backs up, and bumps into them again. Sponsored by nothing and nobody.
Ten years ago in C&J: October 22, 2011
CHEERS to wiping the floor with your predecessor. Republican President George W. Bush started the disastrous, soul-sucking, revolving-door-of-reasons-for-war in Iraq, and Democratic President Barack H. Obama is ending it. That sound you hear is our troops over there singing, “I’ll be home for Christmas.” Reaction from the American public has been nearly unanimous, with millions of men, women and children openly shrugging in the streets. Let’s not do this again real soon, shall we?
And just one more…
CHEERS to ghosts of Halloweens past. One week ‘til Spooky Day. This remains one of my all-time favorite SNL sketches. Carvey, Myers, Farley, Hartman, Nealon. Magic…
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?