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Late Night Snark: Last Weekend of January Edition

“After a visit to a small business in D.C., President Biden stopped in to a local ice cream shop to get himself a treat. What kind of ice cream, you’re wondering? Intrepid reporters report that it was two scoops, light-colored flavor on the bottom, darker ice cream on top. Or as Mitch McConnell would describe it: dark ice cream and ice cream.”
—Stephen Colbert

“Musician Kid Rock released a song this week that criticizes coronavirus restrictions. Oh, buddy, that’s not why people are staying six feet away from you.”
—Seth Meyers

Continued…

You are now below the fold. You fool. We warned you.

“Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the U.S. Senate: keeping Black folks down with a quiet handshake since 1787.”
—Michael Che, SNL

“The House [Jan. 6] select committee received a load of documents that the former president sued to try to prevent them from seeing. One of those documents is a draft of a very damning executive order that would’ve directed the National Guard to seize voting machines after the election.  It was a last-ditch effort to keep Trump in power—a Sieg Heil Mary pass, if you will.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“This week, Justice Stephen Breyer announced his plans to retire from the Supreme Court. Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell announced a new rule that you actually can’t replace a Supreme Court judge the same year they replace M&Ms characters.”
—Samantha Bee

It’s a slippery slope from woke M&M’s to Same-Skittle marriage.

— Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 22, 2022

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“President Joe Biden was caught on a hot mic calling Fox News reporter Peter Doocy a ‘stupid son of a bitch’ when pressed about inflation at a White House event. To be fair, being a ‘stupid son’ is basically how Peter Doocy got his job.”
—Trevor Noah

“Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I dunno—trying to get your own memorabilia back is how they finally got O.J.”
—Colin Jost, SNL

 And now, our feature presentation…

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 28, 2022

Note: Big blizzard hitting New England tomorrow. If you’re in the strike zone of the latest “bomb cyclone,” please follow the proper safety protocol: make sure your neighborhood squirrels have plenty of almonds, blankets and propane heaters first, then stock up on your own emergency needs second. The almonds are really especially important, so do those first, like right now, it’s that important. Thank you.

—The definitely human emergency manager and not a bunch of squirrels standing on top of each other under a raincoat trying to look like a human emergency manager

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By the Numbers:

Days ’til Groundhog Day: 5

Days ’til National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day: 3

Estimated level of child poverty in January, up from 12% because the child tax credit wasn’t extended by Congress: 17%

Expected percent among Black and Latino children: 25%

Increase in cigarette sales in 2020, the first increase since 2000: 0.4%

Estimated number if households that acquired a dog or cat during the pandemic: 23 million

Earth’s circumference: 24,900 miles

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Puppy Pic of the Day: No one can resist that new puppy smell…

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CHEERS to clamping the vise of justice on the noggins of tyranny. Here’s a quick roundup of where things stand with the various bad people who lately can’t sleep at night without breaking out into at least one cold sweat:

»  More insurrectionists are getting arrested, charged and sentenced, thanks in no small measure to the patriotic nerds doing facial recognition sleuthing and turning their leads over to the feds.

»  Congressman Matt Gaetz, an alleged sex trafficker of minors, isn’t acting quite so smug today after a BFF of his copped a plea and is now spilling his beans to investigators.

»  Rudy Giuliani was identified as the principle architect of the plot to swap out the real 2020 electors from seven swing states with a slate of fake ones. The fake electors who went along with him are now being investigated by the Justice Department.

»  The Thing from Perv-A-Lago and his spawn are up to their necks in grand juries, DA subpoenas in multiple states investigating real estate fraud and election fraud, and the giant flaming eyeball of the House January 6 committee. Their pleas to stop the proceedings and let them get away with their crimey stuff are falling on deaf ears.

»  12-year-old Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who never met a democratic institution or minor personal inconvenience he didn’t compare to the Holocaust, may be disqualified from running for reelection if his accusers can make their case that he helped incite the January 6 insurrection. Which he did.

»  And seven school districts in Virginia are suing their new cultist governor for turning schools into institutions of human sacrifice by nullifying their sensible Covid protection rules.

As we well know by now, the judicial system moves at a crawl…right up until the moment it doesn’t. (Even on weekends.) So keep your ears to the pavement. And if you see Merrick Garland tearing through the streets in his giant modified snowplow of justice, give him a wide berth.

CHEERS to the Biden recovery. Because it was so positive, it was of course like playing a game of Where’s Waldo? to find the news that our economy was the envy of the civilized world in 2021, with gross domestic product climbing to 5.7 percent overall and an eye-popping 7 percent in the fourth quarter as Democrats fixed supply chain issues and Americans enjoyed a happier holiday than the previous year:

“It just goes to show that the U.S. economy has learned to adapt to the new variants and continues to produce,” said Beth Ann Bovino, chief economist at Standard &Poor’s Global Ratings. […]

For the final three months of 2021, consumer spending rose at a more muted 3.3% annual pace. But private investment rocketed 32% higher, boosted by a surge in business inventories as companies stocked up to meet higher customer demand. Rising inventories, in fact, accounted for 71% of the fourth-quarter growth.

In a statement, President Joe Biden said, “We are finally building an American economy for the 21st century, with the fastest economic growth in nearly four decades, along with the greatest year of job growth in American history.”

And on the jobs front, unemployment claims came in under the forecasters’ expectations. Amazingly, none of the newly-unemployed included incompetent forecasters.

JEERS to premature descents. On January 28, 1986—good lord, 36 years ago—the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff, killing all seven crew members, including civilian teacher Christa McAuliffe.  I’m guessing that if you were more than toddler-age, you remember exactly where you were when you heard about it.  I was in the Otterbein College (Westerville, Ohio) campus center at 11:38am, and can still conjure up the queasy feeling that set in when I realized what had happened. A stunned crowd of students and faculty gathered around the big-screen TV and just…watched. Lest we forget these were the heroes on board that day:

Today folks from the Challenger Center and elsewhere, along with family members of the crew, commemorated the tragedy, starkly reminding the world that it takes off-the-charts courage, brains and skill to put yourself through the rigors of space flight.  Which pretty much explains why I blog for a living.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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CHEERS to, like, freeing your mind, man. Tomorrow is Freethinkers Day, which celebrates those who believe that truth should be formed on the basis of logic, reason, and empiricism, rather than authority, tradition, or religion. Noted freethinkers include Thomas Paine, Albert Einstein, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and anyone who has ever shouted, “The Fox News, it burns!”

CHEERS to the first ringy-dingy. On January 28, 1878, the commercial telephone switchboard made its national debut in New  Haven, Connecticut. The first customers were Amanda Hugginkiss, I.P. Freely and Seymour Butz. We hear the first operator lasted a whole five minutes.

CHEERS to home vegetation. Since our nation is still in the capable hands of Democrats again, we can relax and spend some couch time with the teevee this weekend, starting tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow telling us why we shouldn’t be spending our weekend relaxing on the couch. (Spoiler alert: Because our republic is being destroyed by pro-Russian morons.)

Or you can catch a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us starting at 8 on the CW. Bill Maher’s guests tonight (just for the record, not because we watch him anymore) on Real Time are ACLU executive director Ira Glasser, Matt Welch of Reason, and star of Trump’s first impeachment hearing Fiona Hill. Director Kenneth Branagh talks about his acclaimed movie Belfast on The Graham Norton Show at 11 on BBC America.

The new movies and home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The season premiere of The Great Chocolate Showdown, during which contestants “take on the art of tempering chocolate,” airs tomorrow night at 8 on The CW.  Willem Dafoe makes his Saturday Night Live hosting debut tomorrow night, with Katy Perry on backing vocals.  The NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. Meanwhile the Superb Owl competitors will be determined Sunday when the Bengals face the Chiefs for the AFC title (3pm, CBS) and the 49ers take on the Rams for the NFC Championship (6:30, Fox, so no Simpsons or Family Guy this week). As always, I’m putting all my money on whichever team Secretariat is on. And on 60 Minutes: reports on great white sharks and Yellowstone Park’s wolves.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Face the Nation: TBA

This Week: Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Sen. Susan Collins (Cult-ME); former HHS Secretary Donna Shalala.

Meet the Press: Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Rob Portman (Cult-OH); Governor Phil Murphy (D-NJ); Gov. Asa Hutchinson (Cult-AR).

CNN’s State of the Union: Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ); Sen. James Risch (Cult-ID); Governor Chris Sununu (Cult-NH).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sen. Tom Cotton (Cult-AR).

 Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: January 28, 2012

CHEERS to today’s boring correction. According to Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank, President Obama’s State of the Union address was “an uninspiring speech delivered with a dismal result.” Oh Noes!!! A DISMAL result!!! But the public begs to differ: “91 percent of those who watched the speech approved of the proposals Mr. Obama put forth during his remarks.” We’re sure Mr. Milbank forgives the American people for interfering with his beltway narrative.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to “32.” Make sure you take a moment Sunday to say Happy Birthday (or, to use his dialect, “Happy buhthday”) to Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who turns 140. He was far from perfect, as all presidents have been: turning away Jews fleeing Nazi Germany, the internment camps, the womanizing. But he was a force of nature who didn’t let polio stop him as he charged headlong into fighting the depression and wars on multiple fronts in Europe and Asia, while passing reforms that made life better for ordinary Americans. Says William Ridings and Stuart McIver in their book Rating the Presidents (where FDR sits at #2, just below Lincoln):

Roosevelt is praised most often for his role in preserving the American capitalist system at a time when many countries were opting for fascism.

Given the dire crises he was forced to confront, perhaps the highest praise from the poll is “the right man in the right place at the right time.” […]

Others praise him for stopping Hitler—and shudder to think what might have been if a less-effective president had been at the helm in those dangerous days.

The lunatics on the right try mightily to rewrite history by insisting that the New Deal was a failure. Never mind that laws enacted in the 1930s—chipped away at though they were—helped prevent our 2008 and 2020 Great Recessions from turning into all-out depressions.  Pay your respects here.  And never let anyone forget the difference between the parties, as defined by Roosevelt himself: Democrats say we have nothing to fear but fear itself, Republicans say we have nothing to fear but everything but fear itself.

P.S. It’s also Dick Cheney’s birthday Sunday. He turns 666. Again.

Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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